Heartland Family Productions
Monday, May 9, 2011
Embracing Your Pain
Dedicated to my Mother |
| Dad (1912-1995) and Mom (1916-1998) |
Last Sunday in church, I cried when one of my Mom’s favorite songs was played. She was introduced to “O Mighty Cross” many years ago at the small Bible church in Phoenix where Steve was a co-pastor. I have vivid memories of her weeping as she heard the words, so much so that we had it sung at her funeral in 1998. I once had a small magnet that said, “A mother holds her children’s hands for a little while. But she holds their hearts forever.” I agree with that sentiment because my Mom was that kind of Mother.
When she died and I became the oldest generation, I truly felt orphaned. At that time, I began journaling seriously so I wouldn’t forget the important memories in the busyness of life and raising a family. On March 23, the day I witnessed her transition from earth to heaven, I wrote the following excerpt while sitting on the floor, in the upstairs hallway of my childhood home.
“ ‘Since her days are determined, the number of her months is with Thee, and her limits Thou has set so that she cannot pass.’ (29,775 days, 979 months) Mom went to be with the Lord today around 3:30pm. When I saw her, it was as though she was already with Him…Tonight my heart is broken & hurting—a dull ache & pain…I am awake in a quiet house that echoes my Mom’s touch~ the walls, pictures, notes, neat piles of scrapbooks, special cards, gifts from A, E, & J. Somehow I feel like I’m intruding…I have been awake for 42 hours…flying here was a dream. My insides are in knots & my mind keeps going. Dear Lord, please deliver me and grant me blessed REST—spiritually, emotionally, & physically. I need desperately for Your peace to wash over my soul, to fill the void of loneliness…Thank You, Holy Spirit, that You pray & groan on my behalf. Thank You, Jesus, that Your blood brings salvation & Your resurrected body brings life. Thank You, Father, that You love me, hold me, & rock me. Renew my mind with Your Truth. Strengthen me with Your peace & protection.”
Immediately, God started to answer my prayer. That lonely night He spoke to me with words that seared my heart forever. No, I didn’t hear an audible voice but, the Word is clear in John 10: 3&4 that His sheep hear his voice, he calls them by name, and leads them out. True believers KNOW this by experience. I had no idea at that moment, how these words would carry me in years to come! I have had many spiritual “markers” in my life but the admonition to EMBRACE THE PAIN has been like no other. It has given me courage when my natural inclination would be to run away. I can still see myself sitting on the carpet, an exhausted mess. I had done some serious crying. I had done all the praying I knew how. And then it happened….the Holy Spirit began to speak & minister to my soul. “Embrace the pain. Do not deny it. Wrap your arms around it and milk it for everything you can get out of it, even though it hurts. If you choose to run from the pain, you will miss Me, because I AM IN IT.”
It is not a coincidence that God used my Mom’s death & my feelings of abandonment
to teach me this life-changing lesson. My Mother loved the Word, she understood the Cross, and I watched her weather many serious trials all of my life. How fitting that God would use these fearful feelings of total loss to display His glorious truth that it’s ok to be a mess before Him. His power is perfected in my weakness. (2Cor.12:9) But I have to embrace the pain, in any given situation, so I can be truly free and He alone can be glorified.
I have had many opportunities to share this treasure since Mom’s physical life ceased to be. And I have had hundreds of opportunities to remember & obey what God said. Do I like it? Not necessarily. Oftentimes, I’m thinking as I’m sighing, “Here we go again, Lord.” Pain is pain. And it hurts. Relational pain is the worst. It is also when we are tempted to run the most—first from what comfort God offers & what He wants to teach us about ourselves, and secondly, from the person who we perceive is hurting us.
My Mother often quoted 1 Peter 4:12-14. It was her response to trials instead of asking the Lord, “Why?” She would say it with quiet resolve & often with her eyes closed. In my ignorant younger years, I sometimes got irritated. Since my upstairs encounter the night of her passing, I’m saying, “I get it!” I hope she somehow knows that.
This Mother’s Day, count your blessings! And if your Mom is alive, remember to thank her. Whatever she taught you, either intentionally or by default, can be used for good in your life. That’s God’s promise IF you love Him. (Rom.8:28) God has a purpose for you, a plan for your life, and the power to see it carried through to fruition. Embracing your pain is the beginning of healing because you can’t do it without ceasing to fight His higher intentions. He works in ways we don’t usually see. My Mom knew that. Thank the Lord that I, too, am learning “not to be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you; but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep rejoicing; so that also at the revelation of His glory, you may rejoice with exultation. If you are reviled for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you.” (1 Peter 4:12-14)